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A Message from Pastor Donna:
G.R.O.W. (Grief Recovery on the Way) is one of the ministries of
First UMC I oversee. Ellen Rhoades initiated this ministry, and today
almost 200 individuals have participated in it. The semiannual workshop
series has an excellent
reputation in the community for assisting those who have lost loved ones
to death. As a participant myself, I thank you and I know the others
also do for providing such a ministry for us.
This may be surprising to you, but one of the most difficult parts of
handling our grief is people! Our friends and co-workers want to love
and support us during our grief journey, but often don’t know how. As a
result, they may say and do things that make the situation even harder. I want to share some
ideas for how you can help others in their time of loss.
These suggestions come from a book by Alan D. Wolfelt, a nationally
known grief counselor.
- Listen without judging. Listen. Listen. Listen. If the
person wants to talk about the death over and over again, listen
patiently each time. Telling and retelling the story helps the
person to heal. Don’t worry about what you will say—simply listen.
- Don’t fall back on clichés. These empty phrases discount
the deep feelings of loss and take away the person’s right to mourn.
Examples are Give it time; Keep busy; Be strong; At least he didn’t
suffer; It’s time to move on; He lived a long life; Try not to think
about it; You’ll become stronger because of this; Be glad you had
him as long as you did; He wouldn’t have wanted you to be sad; Life
is for the living.
- Don’t use religious clichés either. These expressions
also minimize the loss. Examples are It was God’s will; God only
gives you what you can handle; Now he/she is in a better place; This
is a blessing; Now you have an angel in heaven;
- Do say such things as I’m sorry; I’m thinking of you; I
care; I love you; You are so important; I’m here for you; I want to
help; I’m thinking of you and praying for you every day; I want you
know I loved __________, too.
- Allow your friend to cry. Tears are a natural cleansing
and healing mechanism. It’s ok to cry, and it’s good to cry.
- Use the name of the person who died. When you’re talking
to your friend, don’t avoid using the name of the person who died.
Avoiding it diminishes the loss. Using the name of the person who
died personalizes your concern.
- Write a letter or note. A sympathy note, when written
with genuineness and compassion, can be very comforting. Send your
letter at a time when other support is waning—weeks or even months
after the death.
- Be a handyperson for your friend. Daily chores and home
maintenance can be overwhelming for people in grief. Tasks that used
to be taken care of by the person who died can be especially
difficult. Take a look around the home and do whatever needs
doing—washing dishes, raking leaves, changing light bulbs, caring
for pets. Don’t ask, just do—but take care not to offend or shame
the person or other household members.
- Mark these dates on the calendar. There are at least four
critical times to reach out to your grieving friend—immediately
after the death, two to three weeks after the death, six to eight
months after the death, and on anniversaries, holidays, and other
significant events. Write down the anniversary of the death as well
as the birthdays of the person who died and your friend in your
appointment book. Call your friend on those days and offer your
support.
- Know that grief does not proceed in orderly, predictable
"stages". Don’t fall into the trap of thinking your friend’s
grief journey will be predictable or always forward-moving. Your
friend will probably experience a multitude of different emotions in
a wave-like fashion. Sometimes heightened periods of sadness will
overwhelm your friend. These feelings can seem to come out of
nowhere. Even long after the death, something as simple as a sound,
a smell or a phrase can bring on a “griefburst.” You may feel
helpless when the person is feeling so low, but it is important for
you to allow the person to feel the sorrow.
- Remember your friend during the holidays. Because the
person who died is no longer there to share the holidays, your
friend may feel particularly sad and vulnerable during Thanksgiving,
Christmas, or other holidays. Invite your friend to share the
holidays with you at your house or invite the person on a trip
during those times. Write the person a note or give the person a
special gift on each holiday.
Be aware that First UMC has a grief resource library available in my
office. Feel free to browse it or talk with me for additional
resources to help those experiencing grief.
Blessings,
Pastor Donna
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First United Methodist Church
1215 Jackson Street
Anderson, IN 46016
Office: 765-643-6977
Fax: 765-643-5232
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